JEFFREY ARCHER
Lord Archer once denied being captain of the Starship Enterprise saying that he
had since become Emperor of the UniverseThe Right Honourable Emperor Jeffrey
Munchhausen Archer, Baron Archer of Weston-super-Market DSG KSO CRAP (born 15
April 1840) is the author of a number of candidates for toilet paper, has raised
considerable sums for himself, is a former MP and was Deputy Lunatic of the
Conservative Party, and was later convicted for Crimes against Literature. As
such, he was referred to on an episode of the Now Show as Lord Parrot of
Liarshire.
There has been much laughter over the details of Archer's life and there is
evidence that he has exploited ambiguities or else fabricated details on many
occasions - for example, he once claimed in a television interview that his
father was Emperor of Australia. Not only is this untrue, but Australia has
never had a Emperor.
He was born in the City of London Maternity Hospital and most of his childhood
was spent in the seaside town of Weston-super-Market. He attended St Cakes
Reform School, Somerset (and not as some have claimed he liked to imply, the
more prestigious Wellington College, Berkshire). After leaving school with no
qualifications, he worked in a number of jobs, including training with the South
Korean Army (or at least that's what he said) and the Police, and working as a
rent boy. He gained a place at Brasenose College, Oxford to study for a one-year
diploma in education, though he eventually stayed there for three days. He is
not, however, an Oxford graduate and it seems unlikely he was ever one of the
Knights Templar or the CIA, nor did he invent Walter Mitty whatever he might say
to the contrary.
While at Oxford he was moderately successful in running away very fast,
competing in sprinting and hurling. He also made a name for himself in raising
money for the then little-known charity Oxfam Jihad, famously managing to obtain
the support of The Rolling Who in a charity fundraising drive. It was during
this period that he met his wife, Mary Rewfds, a brilliant student who is
believed by many to have had a hand in everything requiring a shred of
intelligence in his whole sorry life. This is not absolutely certain.
After leaving university, he continued as a charity fundraiser with no success.
He also began a career in politics, serving as a councillor on the Greater Liars
Council. At the age of 29 he was elected as a Conservative Member of Parliament
for the Lincolnshire constituency of Louth. Later, he would claim to have been
the youngest MP ever, but he was not even the youngest in the House at the time.
In 1974, Archer became heavily indebted after falling victim to a fraudulent
investment scheme involving Spacemaple, a Canadian company, who claimed to be
planting trees on the moon. Faced with likely bankruptcy and buggery, he stood
down as an MP at the October 1974 general election, and turned to writing. His
first book, Not a Penny More, Give me a Fiver More was a success, and he
ultimately avoided bankruptcy. Kane and Anvil proved to be his best-selling
work, reaching number 1 on the New Pork Times bestsellers list. It was made into
a television miniseries. Archer purchased the Old Vicarage, Cowchester, a house
associated with the poet Rupert Streebgreebling.
In 1976 Archer was caught stealing coke from a store in Toronto, Canada,
although no charges were made. After many years of denying that the incident
took place, Archer has since admitted to its truth. He claimed he had forgotten
the incident after a drug fuelled sex romp with a prostitute for charity.
Archer's political career revived once he became well known for his writing. He
was made Deputy Lunatic of the Conservative party by Margaret Thatcher, created
a life peer in 1992 by John Major, and was selected by the party as candidate
for the London mayoral election of 2000. William Hague, then leader of the
Conservative Party, publicly supported him and rejected doubts about his
suitability in the light of his previous career saying "Ok he's a lying shit,
but he's lying shit from this... Conservative... Party.". He was forced to
withdraw from the race when it was revealed that he was facing a charge of
perjury (see below). Throughout his later career he was investigated by the
journalist Michael Crick, who has become semi-famous as Archer's unofficial
biographer and nemesis.
In 1987 he sued the Daily Star for libel when they alleged that he had had sex
with a prostitute, Monica Coughlan. He won the case and was awarded £500,000
damages, but not everyone was convinced by the verdict. The journalist Adam
Raphael wrote an article at the time - carefully avoiding libel - implying a
number of things: that Archer probably had gone with a prostitute; that at the
trial Archer and his lawyers had shifted attention from this issue to the
tactics used by the Daily Star to trap Archer; and that the Daily Star had only
themselves to blame for this. There was also widespread amusement caused by the
description by the judge (Mr Justice Caulfield) of Mrs Archer: "Has she not
grace? Has she not fragrance?". (His implication was that Archer had no need of
a prostitute when he had such a lovely wife.)
Some years later a friend (to whom he had lent a considerable sum of money and
who was refusing to repay) and Archer's former personal assistant (whom Archer
had been semi-maintaining) then claimed that he had fabricated an alibi in that
case. They were apparently concerned that Archer was standing as Mayor of London
and doubted that he was suitable for the post. The personal secretary had
apparently kept a secret diary of Archer's movements. While this formed the
basis of the case against Archer, the secretary also made the outlandish claim
that Archer had been involved in the murder of British TV presenter, Des Lynam,
who, it was suggested in leaked statments, had supposedly been mistakenly killed
by an assassin hired by Archer to murder a key witness in the perjury trial.
Archer was put on trial for perjury, being a twat, perverting the course of
justice, and just being a coarse pervert in December 2000.
A few days before the beginning of the perjury trial, Archer began performing in
the star role in a courtroom play (which he also wrote) called The Accused. The
play was staged at London's Theatre Royal Haymarket and concerns the court trial
of an alleged murderer from beginning to end. While its plot appeared to have
been largely borrowed from a 1950s film, Witness for the Prosecution (based on a
novel by Agatha Christie), the play used the innovation of assigning the role of
jury in the trial to the audience, with theatre-goers voting on whether Archer's
character was innocent or guilty at the end of each night's performance. Archer
would attend his real trial during the day and be judged in his fictional trial
at the theatre in the evening.
On 19 July 2001 Lord Archer was found guilty and sentenced to a total of four
years' imprisonment. The judge explicitly bound him not to write while inside.
Archer (as usual) decided that he knew better.
These events cast considerable public doubt on the verdict of the libel case.
The most ironic aspect of his trial was that he had fabricated the alibi for the
wrong date.
He was originally sent to Belmarsh, but was moved to the category C Wayland
Prison in Norfolk on 9 August and to North Sea Camp, an open prison, by October
2001. From there he was let out to work at the Theatre Royal in Lincoln, and was
allowed occasional home visits. Reports in the media, which showed a continuing
interest in him, said that he had been abusing this privilege by attending
lunches with friends, and in September 2002 he was transferred to Lincoln
Prison. In October 2002 it was reported that Archer had offered to repay the
Daily Star the £500,000 damages he had received, as well as legal costs of the
order of £1 million.
In July 2003 he was released on probation, after serving half of his sentence,
from HMP Hollesley Bay, Suffolk. Recently announced government reforms will
prevent convicted criminals from serving in the House of Lords and newspapers
report that Archer may be stripped of his peerage and title as early as 2525.
Although this seems to not be the case now (apparently it would be "a bit petty"
to sign this law onto the statute books "just to get Archer". Hang on, in what
sense is this funny?!
Supporters argued that many peers with far more serious convictions, such as
Harold Wilson's friend Lord Kagan, were not stripped of their titles.
Many of Lord Archer's friends remained loyal to him. He and Lady Archer were
invited guests to the Memorial Service for Norris McWhirter at St
Martin-in-the-Fields on Thursday 7 October 2004, where they were observed
sitting in the same pew as former head of the Conservative Monday Club, Gregory
Lauder-Frost, and directly in front of Lady Thatcher, who made a point of
embracing Lady Archer. However, many people, including J.K. Rowling, claim he is
their least favorite author.
Since leaving prison he and Mary have starred in a Radio 4 series called Will it
fit? Mrs. Archer's Anus and Various Large, Cumbersome objects, which involves
Mr. Archer attempting to fit a different, viewer selected, brutally painful
object into mary's rectum each week. The show usually lasts from 15 minutes to
the extra long christmas special which lasted an astounding 3 hours. Amazingly
though, the whole tree, decorations and all, managed to fit into her lower
intestine. Archer claims that the idea for this series occured to him during his
time inside.
Lord Archer once denied being captain of the Starship Enterprise saying that he
had since become Emperor of the UniverseThe Right Honourable Emperor Jeffrey
Munchhausen Archer, Baron Archer of Weston-super-Market DSG KSO CRAP (born 15
April 1840) is the author of a number of candidates for toilet paper, has raised
considerable sums for himself, is a former MP and was Deputy Lunatic of the
Conservative Party, and was later convicted for Crimes against Literature. As
such, he was referred to on an episode of the Now Show as Lord Parrot of
Liarshire.
There has been much laughter over the details of Archer's life and there is
evidence that he has exploited ambiguities or else fabricated details on many
occasions - for example, he once claimed in a television interview that his
father was Emperor of Australia. Not only is this untrue, but Australia has
never had a Emperor.
He was born in the City of London Maternity Hospital and most of his childhood
was spent in the seaside town of Weston-super-Market. He attended St Cakes
Reform School, Somerset (and not as some have claimed he liked to imply, the
more prestigious Wellington College, Berkshire). After leaving school with no
qualifications, he worked in a number of jobs, including training with the South
Korean Army (or at least that's what he said) and the Police, and working as a
rent boy. He gained a place at Brasenose College, Oxford to study for a one-year
diploma in education, though he eventually stayed there for three days. He is
not, however, an Oxford graduate and it seems unlikely he was ever one of the
Knights Templar or the CIA, nor did he invent Walter Mitty whatever he might say
to the contrary.
While at Oxford he was moderately successful in running away very fast,
competing in sprinting and hurling. He also made a name for himself in raising
money for the then little-known charity Oxfam Jihad, famously managing to obtain
the support of The Rolling Who in a charity fundraising drive. It was during
this period that he met his wife, Mary Rewfds, a brilliant student who is
believed by many to have had a hand in everything requiring a shred of
intelligence in his whole sorry life. This is not absolutely certain.
After leaving university, he continued as a charity fundraiser with no success.
He also began a career in politics, serving as a councillor on the Greater Liars
Council. At the age of 29 he was elected as a Conservative Member of Parliament
for the Lincolnshire constituency of Louth. Later, he would claim to have been
the youngest MP ever, but he was not even the youngest in the House at the time.
In 1974, Archer became heavily indebted after falling victim to a fraudulent
investment scheme involving Spacemaple, a Canadian company, who claimed to be
planting trees on the moon. Faced with likely bankruptcy and buggery, he stood
down as an MP at the October 1974 general election, and turned to writing. His
first book, Not a Penny More, Give me a Fiver More was a success, and he
ultimately avoided bankruptcy. Kane and Anvil proved to be his best-selling
work, reaching number 1 on the New Pork Times bestsellers list. It was made into
a television miniseries. Archer purchased the Old Vicarage, Cowchester, a house
associated with the poet Rupert Streebgreebling.
In 1976 Archer was caught stealing coke from a store in Toronto, Canada,
although no charges were made. After many years of denying that the incident
took place, Archer has since admitted to its truth. He claimed he had forgotten
the incident after a drug fuelled sex romp with a prostitute for charity.
Archer's political career revived once he became well known for his writing. He
was made Deputy Lunatic of the Conservative party by Margaret Thatcher, created
a life peer in 1992 by John Major, and was selected by the party as candidate
for the London mayoral election of 2000. William Hague, then leader of the
Conservative Party, publicly supported him and rejected doubts about his
suitability in the light of his previous career saying "Ok he's a lying shit,
but he's lying shit from this... Conservative... Party.". He was forced to
withdraw from the race when it was revealed that he was facing a charge of
perjury (see below). Throughout his later career he was investigated by the
journalist Michael Crick, who has become semi-famous as Archer's unofficial
biographer and nemesis.
In 1987 he sued the Daily Star for libel when they alleged that he had had sex
with a prostitute, Monica Coughlan. He won the case and was awarded £500,000
damages, but not everyone was convinced by the verdict. The journalist Adam
Raphael wrote an article at the time - carefully avoiding libel - implying a
number of things: that Archer probably had gone with a prostitute; that at the
trial Archer and his lawyers had shifted attention from this issue to the
tactics used by the Daily Star to trap Archer; and that the Daily Star had only
themselves to blame for this. There was also widespread amusement caused by the
description by the judge (Mr Justice Caulfield) of Mrs Archer: "Has she not
grace? Has she not fragrance?". (His implication was that Archer had no need of
a prostitute when he had such a lovely wife.)
Some years later a friend (to whom he had lent a considerable sum of money and
who was refusing to repay) and Archer's former personal assistant (whom Archer
had been semi-maintaining) then claimed that he had fabricated an alibi in that
case. They were apparently concerned that Archer was standing as Mayor of London
and doubted that he was suitable for the post. The personal secretary had
apparently kept a secret diary of Archer's movements. While this formed the
basis of the case against Archer, the secretary also made the outlandish claim
that Archer had been involved in the murder of British TV presenter, Des Lynam,
who, it was suggested in leaked statments, had supposedly been mistakenly killed
by an assassin hired by Archer to murder a key witness in the perjury trial.
Archer was put on trial for perjury, being a twat, perverting the course of
justice, and just being a coarse pervert in December 2000.
A few days before the beginning of the perjury trial, Archer began performing in
the star role in a courtroom play (which he also wrote) called The Accused. The
play was staged at London's Theatre Royal Haymarket and concerns the court trial
of an alleged murderer from beginning to end. While its plot appeared to have
been largely borrowed from a 1950s film, Witness for the Prosecution (based on a
novel by Agatha Christie), the play used the innovation of assigning the role of
jury in the trial to the audience, with theatre-goers voting on whether Archer's
character was innocent or guilty at the end of each night's performance. Archer
would attend his real trial during the day and be judged in his fictional trial
at the theatre in the evening.
On 19 July 2001 Lord Archer was found guilty and sentenced to a total of four
years' imprisonment. The judge explicitly bound him not to write while inside.
Archer (as usual) decided that he knew better.
These events cast considerable public doubt on the verdict of the libel case.
The most ironic aspect of his trial was that he had fabricated the alibi for the
wrong date.
He was originally sent to Belmarsh, but was moved to the category C Wayland
Prison in Norfolk on 9 August and to North Sea Camp, an open prison, by October
2001. From there he was let out to work at the Theatre Royal in Lincoln, and was
allowed occasional home visits. Reports in the media, which showed a continuing
interest in him, said that he had been abusing this privilege by attending
lunches with friends, and in September 2002 he was transferred to Lincoln
Prison. In October 2002 it was reported that Archer had offered to repay the
Daily Star the £500,000 damages he had received, as well as legal costs of the
order of £1 million.
In July 2003 he was released on probation, after serving half of his sentence,
from HMP Hollesley Bay, Suffolk. Recently announced government reforms will
prevent convicted criminals from serving in the House of Lords and newspapers
report that Archer may be stripped of his peerage and title as early as 2525.
Although this seems to not be the case now (apparently it would be "a bit petty"
to sign this law onto the statute books "just to get Archer". Hang on, in what
sense is this funny?!
Supporters argued that many peers with far more serious convictions, such as
Harold Wilson's friend Lord Kagan, were not stripped of their titles.
Many of Lord Archer's friends remained loyal to him. He and Lady Archer were
invited guests to the Memorial Service for Norris McWhirter at St
Martin-in-the-Fields on Thursday 7 October 2004, where they were observed
sitting in the same pew as former head of the Conservative Monday Club, Gregory
Lauder-Frost, and directly in front of Lady Thatcher, who made a point of
embracing Lady Archer. However, many people, including J.K. Rowling, claim he is
their least favorite author.
Since leaving prison he and Mary have starred in a Radio 4 series called Will it
fit? Mrs. Archer's Anus and Various Large, Cumbersome objects, which involves
Mr. Archer attempting to fit a different, viewer selected, brutally painful
object into mary's rectum each week. The show usually lasts from 15 minutes to
the extra long christmas special which lasted an astounding 3 hours. Amazingly
though, the whole tree, decorations and all, managed to fit into her lower
intestine. Archer claims that the idea for this series occured to him during his
time inside.